I make a decent salary, but I am about to complain about money troubles. I figure that I should say that up front so that you will waste as little time as possible reading something that annoys you. You see, my whole problem is that I seem to annoy people more than if I was making two dollars a day. I'd rather not add to that count if I can possibly avoid it. Let's review.
I am divorced and my child lives with me because her mother is or at least was dangerous. As you might expect, the divorce was nasty and expensive. It's over now, but it's not really over. When you have a child with someone, it's never really over until that child is no long a minor. That's true even in normal divorces, if I can say there's such a thing. Now imagine carrying on the same business with someone who literally wanted to kill you at some point in time. I've got the divorce papers and I've since remarried, but you can never walk away from the other parent unless they walk away from you. In my case that isn't going to happen. This leaves me engaged in a protracted legal battle with a mentally ill individual. See you in ten years.
As my mom used to say, them's the brakes. That's not what this blog post is really about, though. All of that is just back story. My problem today is that no one believes the amount of financial strain this places on me. I don't want any money from anyone. I don't even want someone to complain to and I certainly don't want pity. I'll have to solve my own problems, since I'm the only one in a position to do that job. All I really want from other people is to stop expecting more of me than I am able to give.
I never thought I'd be in this position. People knew that I had some means at one point. I owned a house and had cash to spare. I gave people money when they needed money, sometimes large-ish sums. That's all different now. I sold the house at a loss. I rent a smaller place for much more than I was paying in mortgage. I lost all the deductions one gets from being married and owning a house and my tax status changed. I took out loans to pay legal bills and the interest rates on these wasn't all that good. Then there's the matter of my child being hospitalized and developing two chronic diseases. I worked part time for awhile, though now I am back to mostly full time work.
Everyone knows this. The problem is that all anyone can see is: job. I have a job. I have the same job I had before I was divorced. It pays well. Forget about the fact that my expenses have tripled or more. No one looks at expenses. Everyone looks at income. So what? It wouldn't matter to me except for what it seems to have done to my reputation. I don't want money if I don't need it live. I seriously don't. This is not a virtue, but just the happenstance of how my personality seems to have developed. I think I was less stressed when I was in college, sharing 100 square feet with someone else and walking everywhere. Give me that life any day. It just so happens that I am very good at computer stuff and they pay well for that.
What I cannot seem to describe to anyone anywhere with sufficient credibility is the significant stress induced by the difference between what I am supposed to be and what I am. Just imagine that everyone believes you have some sort of magic ring, but you don't. People are after you to get the ring you don't have. Someone tortures you to get and what believe that it is not yours. You'd gladly give it,,, but it doesn't fucking exist and no one believes that. This is not a difference of personality. This is not a situation where you can put a rest to something by giving in and compromising. Instead, you must live every day of your life under the pressure of people who think you must have something you don't. The only reason there is no evidence of this is because you are cheap bastard.
The strange thing is that I can prove my situation. This isn't a matter of faith. Just to make it stop, I'd show people my bills. I'd show them my bank account. Just stop. I've actually said this, which sounds crazy, but that's how much stress I've felt under. Of course they refuse because seriously when someone says that you do want to back away slowly. Yet, they go on having issues with me. Just stop. I don't have your ring. Maybe I should quit my job and get a lower paying one. Of course, then I wouldn't be able to pay the money I already owe. But at least it would lower people's expectations of me.
Ultimately, the biggest mental impact of this situation is the immense feeling of isolation I endure because of it. The loss of usable income is the first step. As I said, I can manage. Dealing with people who cling to the image of me as someone with any means is the second. Perhaps I should just not care what they think? But the third and final step is separation from people I care about and the absence of an audience that will take me seriously. When everyone thinks you're either crazy or a big fat dirt liar, who do you go to? Loneliness and isolation are the result, a result I never would've considered before all of this happened.
I'm saying I'm complaining. I'm just saying that this time I can't quite figure a way out of that particular bind. I can't change people's minds. What I can do, however, is write a blog post about it. At the very least, it will allow me to trick myself into thinking that someone is listening and, more importantly, believes me.
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